Random Snark in an Attempt to Avoid Working

I really should be working, because I am so overdue on updating my gradebook it’s not even funny. All my grading is done and the grades written down, but I have to enter them all into the computer, and, frankly, anything that requires me to put on my glasses (and squinting at grades and computer screens definitely counts) will not be happening today. This is why I love my Kindle. I can make the letters BIG and there’s no backlit screen, so no glasses. Win! But since the work spirit is NOT moving me today, and I’ve had several funny moments this week, I thought I’d share some completely unconnected thoughts that I hope you’ll find amusing.

Zaniness at Ladies’ Night Out

Lettie, ready for Halloween on Thursday.

I’ve posted before about how much I love our Thursday night Ladies’ Night Out, and this week we resumed after a week off for Trick-or-Treat. Now, if you’re thinking to yourself, “Self, Halloween was on Monday, not last Thursday,” you’d be right. The small town I live in has declared that Trick-or-Treat will always be the last Thursday in October from 6 to 7 p.m., no matter which day of the week is Halloween. Crazy? Yes, yes, it is, but certainly no crazier than allowing your 8 year old to strap a plastic shotgun to his back and carry around a plastic chainsaw. Yes, that was a real costume I witnessed last week. I think he was supposed to be a character from a zombie movie that I’m sure I haven’t seen, because zombie movies squick me out. (shudders in horror)

Anyhoo, this week’s LNO was a much needed reprieve from the horror that is grading online Spanish workbooks (REALLY not good for the eyes). We were all equipped with our glasses of house wine when I overheard some comments from the next table over. There were several couples, all well into their seventh decade, and they were discussing next week’s election. One of the gentlemen, apparently without any sense of irony, blurted out, "Well, it's all the OLD people! You know they want to vote Republican but vote Democrat, because they're afraid the Republicans will cut Medicare!" I find this REALLY funny considering one of the ladies at the table was wearing a lime-green track suit and had blue hair.

Of course, “old” is a matter of perception, as I learned to my chagrin earlier in the week. We’re working on the dreaded past tense in Spanish, and the students were talking to each other about how old they were in 1995. One of the better students told her classmate that in 1995 she was 18, which had me doing a double-take since I graduated high school in 1994. When I told her I was 18 in 1994, she laughed and said, “I meant 8!!! I’m not THAT old!!!” You’ll be happy to learn that student still lives. Actually, she immediately realized what she’d said, and the entire class had a good laugh. Although I was crying a little inside. Okay, not really, but you get the picture.

Lettie is the Peeing-est Dog EVAH

In case you haven’t noticed, I have a beagle named Lettie. She’s a rescue – I adopted her from the Humane Society when she was 5, and she’s a great dog. Unfortunately, Lettie’s getting older, and she’s now 13. For a 13 year old dog, she’s in great shape, but last year she had to have bladder surgery, and our carpets have never been the same since. She was finally getting better this spring/summer, only to go on a diuretic for her heart this fall.



Me in my lovely Red Parka. Sexy, sexy!!



So now we have to take her outside a LOT. And when I say a LOT, I mean 4-5 times between the hours of 6 and 10 p.m. alone. I’m really not looking forward to the months of January and February, when it’ll be 10 degrees outside, and I’ll be waddling around the snow in my huge red parka, looking like a giant potato with toothpick legs holding a small, steaming bag-o-poop in my little mittened-hand.

I should explain about the red parka. Years ago I moved from Georgia to Kentucky for graduate school, and I asked the parents for a new coat, because Kentucky is farther north, and they actually get SNOW! So my wonderful parents had me pick out a parka from the Lands’ End catalog, and my Mother (bless her heart) insisted I get a red one, because “That way if you’re caught in a blizzard the rescuers can find you!”



Not surprisingly, every Yankee to whom I’ve told this story dies laughing. This is all the more amusing when you consider that I only wore the Red Parka maybe 3 times in all the years I lived in Kentucky. Since moving to Ohio, I break out the oh-so-fashionable parka every winter. Lettie is extremely slow in her search for the perfect spot for her special rinse, so the Red Parka is a necessity. In fact, when I wear it I look a lot like Kenny from South Park. It’s the fashion kiss of death, and I have to wonder I’d be able to get up without assistance if I fell down, but staying warm trumps keeping my dignity when it’s that cold outside.

Truthfully, as I get older I find myself less worried about how fashionable my coat is and more concerned with protecting my extremities, so the Red Parka will remain a staple of my winter wardrobe. But if I start wearing a lime green track suit and sporting a blue hairstyle, I might ask the DH to smother me with my pillow. After all, one must have standards.

What I’ve Learned From Ladies’ Night Out

This is the patented "look of death" the DH gets when I don't go out for Ladies' Night.

A few years ago, my husband got a job in the Midwest, and we moved to a new town where I knew no one. To make matters worse, I was no longer working full-time, so it was a difficult transition. Thank goodness one of the ladies in town decided that it would be a great idea to start a Ladies’ Night Out. We get together every Thursday night, have a drink, and vent about our husbands, kids, and life in general. Since the idea involves wine and no husbands or kids, it’s really popular. Let me tell you, if you don’t have a ladies’ night of your own, you need to get one pronto, because it’s a real life saver. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned from our ladies’ night.

1. I may be crazy, but I’ll be in great company at the Loony Bin.

One of the benefits of having a group of friends to vent with is that you quickly realize you’re not as nutty as you thought you were. Apparently I am not the only woman to lock herself in the bathroom and beat the stuffing out of an innocent tube of Colgate Sensitive Whitening Toothpaste in an effort to avoid beating the tar out of the DH. Sadly, I did not learn this lesson before I broke our cable remote, and now we can only change channels by holding the remote at a 57 degree angle and frantically pressing the buttons. Of course, whenever the DH reminds me of this while trying to flip channels during the playoffs, I point out that if he hadn’t done whatever the heck it was he did to tick me off, the remote would still be functioning properly. So it’s really his fault. Duh.

2. Ladies’ Night is an effective form of birth control.

I’m one of the few ladies in the group without children, and I’ve gotta tell ya, I may never have kids after hearing some of the horror stories. Kids say the darnedest things, and apparently they say them in public at the top of their lungs, while ensuring that complete strangers will assume that you’re beating the kids and call child protective services. I’ve also learned that your body will never ever be the same after childbirth, and the culprits (we’ve not decided if the husbands or the kids are most to blame) will NOT appreciate what you’ve gone through. Plus, you’ll never sleep in on a Saturday again. I’m rather fond of my sleep and (to some extent) my dignity, so clearly I should just avoid having kids, even though all the mothers in the group insist that, in the end, it was all worth it.

On the plus side, Ladies’ Night is also a great resource for women with kids, because they get to share ideas and learn about local events in addition to comparing stories about their kids. It’s a great way to vent and hear from the other women that you’re not the only one experiencing certain types of problems. On the down side some of these kids are going to grow up wondering why Miss Rebecca always snickers whenever she sees them.

3. What happens at Ladies’ Night stays at Ladies’ Night - Unless your husband does something really, really stupid.

Several of the husbands are colleagues of my husband, but even if they weren’t, there are some things you just shouldn’t share with other people. Likewise, I’m certainly not sharing with the DH some of the things we’ve discussed over our glass(es) of wine. However, if your husband does something really, really dumb, and you think the other husbands could benefit from hearing about it, you are contractually obligated by the Ladies’ Night Constitution[1] to share said incident with the other ladies.

Now, my DH gives outstanding and thoughtful gifts. You’d never catch him gifting me with a household appliance. In fact, when Her Royal Highness the beagle got bladder surgery and started peeing all over the carpet, I told the DH I wanted to buy a Hoover Steam Vac as my Valentine’s Day present. The DH immediately spotted the pitfalls and headed me off at the pass by saying, “If you need the vac, go ahead and get it! That’s not going to be a present!” (insert nervous, high-pitched laughter). His mama didn’t raise a fool, for which I am eternally grateful.

Sadly, not all husbands are quite as enlightened. Take my friend “Susan”, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent (her kids) from ridicule (we and the other husbands have already ridiculed her husband). Now, “Susan” has naturally curly hair, and around the time of her birthday she was lusting after one of those fancy-schmancy flat irons that cost a small fortune. So when her birthday came around, guess what she got from her DH? An exercise bike. Yup. Nothing says I love you like a present that screams “YOU’RE FAT!!!” What makes this worse is that she’s absolutely tiny. Yes, “Susan” is probably the tiniest of all of us and not in any need of an exercise bike. Needless to say, this story has been repeated at home several times to prevent the DH from EVER making that sort of mistake.

So Ladies’ Night is definitely a necessity, if only to educate our husbands on proper gift-giving etiquette and to avoid assault charges. You bet your booty (or, if you have kids, bum) that I’m there every week without fail. The DH enjoys it, because I always come back in a MUCH better mood (no doubt because of the wine), and for me it’s a great start to the weekend. Do any of you have ladies’ nights out with your friends? Spill the goods!

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[1] The Ladies’ Night Constitution is not written down, but if it were, it would insist upon wine being served at each meeting. It’s a lot easier not to pull out your hair if you’re uncoordinated.