What I’ve Learned From Ladies’ Night Out

This is the patented "look of death" the DH gets when I don't go out for Ladies' Night.

A few years ago, my husband got a job in the Midwest, and we moved to a new town where I knew no one. To make matters worse, I was no longer working full-time, so it was a difficult transition. Thank goodness one of the ladies in town decided that it would be a great idea to start a Ladies’ Night Out. We get together every Thursday night, have a drink, and vent about our husbands, kids, and life in general. Since the idea involves wine and no husbands or kids, it’s really popular. Let me tell you, if you don’t have a ladies’ night of your own, you need to get one pronto, because it’s a real life saver. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned from our ladies’ night.

1. I may be crazy, but I’ll be in great company at the Loony Bin.

One of the benefits of having a group of friends to vent with is that you quickly realize you’re not as nutty as you thought you were. Apparently I am not the only woman to lock herself in the bathroom and beat the stuffing out of an innocent tube of Colgate Sensitive Whitening Toothpaste in an effort to avoid beating the tar out of the DH. Sadly, I did not learn this lesson before I broke our cable remote, and now we can only change channels by holding the remote at a 57 degree angle and frantically pressing the buttons. Of course, whenever the DH reminds me of this while trying to flip channels during the playoffs, I point out that if he hadn’t done whatever the heck it was he did to tick me off, the remote would still be functioning properly. So it’s really his fault. Duh.

2. Ladies’ Night is an effective form of birth control.

I’m one of the few ladies in the group without children, and I’ve gotta tell ya, I may never have kids after hearing some of the horror stories. Kids say the darnedest things, and apparently they say them in public at the top of their lungs, while ensuring that complete strangers will assume that you’re beating the kids and call child protective services. I’ve also learned that your body will never ever be the same after childbirth, and the culprits (we’ve not decided if the husbands or the kids are most to blame) will NOT appreciate what you’ve gone through. Plus, you’ll never sleep in on a Saturday again. I’m rather fond of my sleep and (to some extent) my dignity, so clearly I should just avoid having kids, even though all the mothers in the group insist that, in the end, it was all worth it.

On the plus side, Ladies’ Night is also a great resource for women with kids, because they get to share ideas and learn about local events in addition to comparing stories about their kids. It’s a great way to vent and hear from the other women that you’re not the only one experiencing certain types of problems. On the down side some of these kids are going to grow up wondering why Miss Rebecca always snickers whenever she sees them.

3. What happens at Ladies’ Night stays at Ladies’ Night - Unless your husband does something really, really stupid.

Several of the husbands are colleagues of my husband, but even if they weren’t, there are some things you just shouldn’t share with other people. Likewise, I’m certainly not sharing with the DH some of the things we’ve discussed over our glass(es) of wine. However, if your husband does something really, really dumb, and you think the other husbands could benefit from hearing about it, you are contractually obligated by the Ladies’ Night Constitution[1] to share said incident with the other ladies.

Now, my DH gives outstanding and thoughtful gifts. You’d never catch him gifting me with a household appliance. In fact, when Her Royal Highness the beagle got bladder surgery and started peeing all over the carpet, I told the DH I wanted to buy a Hoover Steam Vac as my Valentine’s Day present. The DH immediately spotted the pitfalls and headed me off at the pass by saying, “If you need the vac, go ahead and get it! That’s not going to be a present!” (insert nervous, high-pitched laughter). His mama didn’t raise a fool, for which I am eternally grateful.

Sadly, not all husbands are quite as enlightened. Take my friend “Susan”, whose name has been changed to protect the innocent (her kids) from ridicule (we and the other husbands have already ridiculed her husband). Now, “Susan” has naturally curly hair, and around the time of her birthday she was lusting after one of those fancy-schmancy flat irons that cost a small fortune. So when her birthday came around, guess what she got from her DH? An exercise bike. Yup. Nothing says I love you like a present that screams “YOU’RE FAT!!!” What makes this worse is that she’s absolutely tiny. Yes, “Susan” is probably the tiniest of all of us and not in any need of an exercise bike. Needless to say, this story has been repeated at home several times to prevent the DH from EVER making that sort of mistake.

So Ladies’ Night is definitely a necessity, if only to educate our husbands on proper gift-giving etiquette and to avoid assault charges. You bet your booty (or, if you have kids, bum) that I’m there every week without fail. The DH enjoys it, because I always come back in a MUCH better mood (no doubt because of the wine), and for me it’s a great start to the weekend. Do any of you have ladies’ nights out with your friends? Spill the goods!

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[1] The Ladies’ Night Constitution is not written down, but if it were, it would insist upon wine being served at each meeting. It’s a lot easier not to pull out your hair if you’re uncoordinated.